What the F did I just watch?

6 August 2015 09:00

This post is a bit overdue, as the events in question took place almost two weeks ago, but I haven’t gotten around to posting it because of my vacation and getting my upcoming novels ready for my editor.

Anyway, it’s not a secret that I have too many hobbies. Finding ways to spend my free time usually isn’t an issue. Finding enough free time to use for my hobbies is generally more of a problem, and doing stuff with friends requires some planning as a result. Even so, I do manage to semi-regularly spend time with my buddy Dutchtica (also: Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr), a guy I’ve known since elementary school. Our activities vary from cinema visits, conventions/fairs such as Castlefest or Elfia, or a movie night, which usually means a good and a bad horror movie.

Our last movie night was two weeks ago, and we had zombies as a theme this time. I had to pick the good one, and I chose 28 Days Later. Dutchtica picked the bad one, which turned out to be Braindead/Dead Alive, the first movie Peter Jackson directed. We had both seen 28 Days Later before, but I had never seen Braindead, and the only things I knew going in were:

  • Peter Jackson
  • Zombies
  • Dutchtica’s claim that it was hilarious

Below is a spoiler-containing summary what happened (some of it may be paraphrased):

  • Me: Never a good sign when the natives try to stop you from taking an animal off an island
  • Me: 4 minutes in and they’re already chopping off bodyparts? This is promising
  • Me: Wait, are they still delivering the rat monkey even with the zoo keeper dead? This can only end well
  • Me: Tarot cards, kitchen divination at it’s finest. inserts Quest for Glory 4 reference for Dutchtica’s amusement
  • Me: Oh God, if this is the start of the love story subplot there’ll be more cheese in this movie than all our hometown’s stores combined
  • Me: Control-freak mother. Of course!
  • Me: EPIC 90S CGI RAT MONKEY!
  • Me: And of course mother follows him to the zoo and gets bitten. And here comes more gore. Dutchtica: Did I mention this is the bloodiest movie ever? Me: No, you didn’t. You most definitely neglected to mention that!
  • Me: And of course she turns into a zombie!
  • Me: Nazi doctor to the rescue! Wait what?
  • Me: Oh she’s not going to stay buried. Yeah, called it. OH MY GOD KUNG FU CATHOLIC PRIEST?!? Dutchtica: Coming up next, my favorite quote Me: I kick ass for the Lord! brilliant! But seriously, can this movie get any more weird? Dutchtica: Yes, did I mention this is the bloodiest movie ever?
  • Me: Ewww…. zombie sex? Dutchtica: Wait for it Me: OH MY GOD ZOMBIE BABY! WTF?!? AND HE ACTUALLY TAKES IT TO THE PARK!?!
  • Me: Of course, they have a party in the zombie house! Dutchtica: Did I mention this is the bloodiest movie ever?
  • Me: You’d think he’d figure out the tranquilizer isn’t effective?
  • Me: And of course they escape! Dutchtica: Did I mention this is the bloodiest movie ever?
  • Me: We kinda knew this was coming, wasn’t it? Dutchtica: Wait for it LAWNMOWER SCENE Me: Yeah. You were right… so… much… blood
  • Me: Mega mom? Oh this is so fucked up. OH MY GOD REVERSE BIRTH!! MAKE IT STOP!!

So yeah. The level of WTF in this movie is truly epic, and I’m having a really, really hard time reconciling the fact that this was made by the same guy who did Lord of the Rings.

Afterwards, this is what happened on Twitter:

https://twitter.com/Dutchtica/status/625065756447907840 https://twitter.com/JSteenbeeke/status/625065809723920384 https://twitter.com/Dutchtica/status/625066042663018499 https://twitter.com/JSteenbeeke/status/625067682614898688